"Well, I am suicidal and let me tell you why."

Here is the email, unedited:
"Well, I am suicidal and let me tell you why.

I had a good parents. At least what most people would call good parents, but I don't really believe in that. People don't have good or bad parents, whether they are unemployed, criminals, drunks or lawyers, they are just different parents and all have children who fit in somewhere. My mother is a medical doctor and my father is a teacher. Pretty good jobs then. My mother was the only child, good girl, a princess, but a lonely one. No siblings and no friends, probably not many boyfriends, if more than one. So she wanted her kids to have others around, she made eight of them. My father, overly sensitive hippie and the youngest child. Father to eight, but I can't believe he ever wanted any. Never spend any time with kids, despite having all the time in the world. He was unemployed for long time, on his forties he studied to be a special ed teacher

Me, I was the good son. First child, older than others by five years. I took my job as big brother seriously and cared for my family, still do. I had all the things I needed growing up, I couldn't hang out with the rich cool kids, but I had plenty. Kind of too nice as a kid, bad at sports, but smart and I worked hard. I didn't care about the friends I had so I left them. I just studied trough junior high and high school, nothing else and I was thinking I am doing the right thing, very confident in myself as I have always been, doing my own things. But by the end of high school my isolation was making me regretful, grades turned average by the time it counted most and I couldn't get into good universities. Military service just made things worse and I ended up in a bad school where I haven't been really studying at all for last five years.

I was talking about suicide at young age. Some of my earliest memories are of suicide, only ones I care to remember anyway. I was looking for the truth in world, truth about everything, people, life, science, future of our world, reasons for my mistakes. I just thought about those things, expressing them is complicated, talking to people distracts me from what is in the heart of things. I am a good guy, I really care. Now I have some answers, I know things and have forgotten just as much, but it doesn't matter, no one cares, there is no value. All the things I gave up, my friends, having a youth, doing stupid things, falling in love, having sex, getting a job I have none of those. I wish I could write, turn my thoughts into something, but I am no good at that, should had spend some time with writers, should had studied something else.

I think there is a great balance in life, everyone gets an equal share of something good. Everything has a price and a downside, you can't get it all. You want a family, you need to give up your dreams of biking around Okinawa. All I have is my loneliness and my thoughts, yeah, that's worth something but not for other people just for me. I don't really fit into the lifes of all these other people, the people I want to relate to, we just have very different situations in life, the things we want and people we are. Why should I try to pretend, why should I forgive myself. What am I waiting for, why not just kill myself, I am sure it's what people like me do.

Anyhow, I want to keep this short and sweet, I am sure you don't care, you have other things to think about, that's cool, I don't ask for people to understand, I don't need them to relate, people can do and think what they want, that's why I am so lonely and too self confident for my own good. Still, I hope this explains something. Take care and good luck for you and your family, for you wife, for you future children, for your friendship with Hikosaemon for development of Japanese yen, your cheap bottles of Jack Daniels, answering all the dull repetitive questions, beating up rude smokers, picking up cool western guys from parks, defending honour of damsels in distress and generally being a New Yorker in Japan."
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