my dad died.
obviously this isn't an asmr video. 2025 was a lot for me. it was the worst year for me. and most traumatizing. and i've had a lot of shitty years but this one sits on the top. i always think & keep hoping that the next new year to come will turn into a good year but i haven't quite seen that in a while... my hope feels quite broken now. i am trying to figure out how to rebuild that hope i guess.
i still cant believe that this happened... i cant believe my Dad died & that its a fact & just something that is apart of my life now. this is how the chapter unfolded & i hate it so much. i took a lot of time to process. it felt both long & short. as of right now its 8 months since my dad has passed. some might say that's a long time & others will say that's nothing. all i know is that it's been tough. so hard to pull myself together. i feel like my life is paused & i am still standing there in Switzerland finding out over & over. it takes a lot more energy to stay grounded, positive, to get outside, & not fall down into this deep sadness & guilt & overthinking, and its been hard to sleep. even the dreams I've been having are odd & strange as well.
and bittersweetly, life doesn't pause for you or anyone at all. it keeps going. life keeps going & i know that my life doesn't have to stop just because his ended. my life is forever changed because grief will always be there & i will have to tell myself everyday now that it's okay to live & move forward with him in my thoughts. i hope maybe me living life to the fullest can be shared with him in spirit now.
I filmed this video in January & it had only been around 5 months when i spoke in this video.
Right now, April 2026, its been 8 months & i feel somewhat ready to share this... and i know that i don't have to share anything with you all but i feel like this will help me move forward. not move on. i hate that phrase. but telling myself that i am moving forward in life along with this grief right by my side. instead of ignoring it or leaving it behind, i am choosing to move forward with grief. to go through it & feel it all.
so i hope you can all now understand why i haven't been active for a while now. and thank you for listening & letting me express all these thoughts & feelings. the sadness & anger, the grief, all of it. depression is a horrible thing & it took my Dad away forever. so please seek professional help. i beg you.
for those struggling please reach out to a professional. seek therapy.
please stay. help is available. the link below is a list of hotlines.
https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/
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